Grief

 Losing my mum last year was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, its now been a year and a half and im still living this nightmare daily. being neurodiverse and having someone there since before you were born gone and never to see again is difficult watching it happen slowly over the years in front of your eyes was hell on earth. 

I will never forget the day my mum went into hospital, the woman was "healthy" she walked the bondi to coogee coastal walk every Saturday Morning, Volunteered every friday and worked monday to thursday religiously for years eating healthy foods not needing or using medicine and hardly ever getting sick. Until one day developed a cough that lasted for months that never got better. She was a country kid living on a farm 20 mins from the local town, rural but heaven, so naturally if you got sick you got on with life and kept moving because life wasnt stopping because you couldnt keep up with it all. 

Mum went to the GP after dad did the ole plead to go to the GP, she went and then phoned dad to say that i need to go to the hospital. She went to Hospital and came out 6 weeks later with a diagnosis of stage 4 terminal Lung Cancer (she was genetically pre disposed and also before me had been a smoker). this also happened at the beginning of Covid in Australia when the lockdowns began and our lives that we knew changed forever. oh i forgot to mention i am neurodiverse with kidney disease which meant I wasn't allowed in the hospital during that time because the doctors werent sure if i was immunocompromised. I lived for 6 weeks vicariously through my dad and my video calls to keep my mum company. 

My routine you know my comfort blanket the thing that made me feel safe changed as well but being a staunch introvert i loved lockdowns except not seeing my mum or going to the gym were not good before that i used to go to the gym at least 8 times a week 4 days a week. routine though doesnt just mean the activities you do it also means the people you interact with too. prior covid I worked as a traffic controller, I would come home to mum and she would greet me with how was your day, ask if i had ate all my lunch then being the person my mum was she would do something to mess with my dad and I always. 

as people say when their loved passes away she or he was the glue of the family that kept us all together. But this was my mum she was my discipliner, she was the one look and you better change your actions, she was also the person who if you cried she would instantly say pull your socks up no need for the tears (she was an Irish Mam), I would run to her for a hug she was one of the people who could tell me what to do and i would listen and also get a laugh out of me genuinley. 

Cancer took her away before last year and grief also came knocking before last year, watching someone who you love most slowly fade for 4 years is the hardest thing you might have to face. seeing my mum in pain but because she was stubborn she would put a fake smile to others but to me i could see through it and say im alright was tough.

I looked after her the 1st 3 months she came home and the lst 6 months of her life which was an honour for me to do and i dont regret it for a minute. I made sure my mum was not othered she lived her life to the fullest the best she could if that meant walking to the couch was as far as we got that day then that was it or on her good days walking around the block or going to the shops then that is what we did. We spent quality time together, time i can never get back and that is what was special, you cant pay for with money but you pay with time. 

Grief Has been present the whole time and its not a simple 7 stages its like a toddlers scribble or someone drawing a tornado where one day you feel fine not good, not bad, then two days later Grief pays a visit and you cry in a dark room or to yourself so you don't bother others because unexpectedly you see a reminder of the person who is no longer there and that you can't handle it, it gets too much. 

Being Neurodiverse I disassociate sometimes forget my feelings compartmentalise disengage with it if i can ........ Its why im in therapy, therapy is a good thing. Therapy helps if you have a good therapist they will make you see a different perspective. I have been in therapy since i was 12 years old but been on the watchlist by my close circle since i was 8 years old. I have had many therapists some good and some not so good. 

anyone who knows me will tell you i am a natural disaster. An earthquake ready to pop a tornado living life on my own terms beating my own drum, Grief is a new badge on my skin a new scar invisible to the naked eye but there. sometimes it feels like an earthquake other days a small tropical storm, sometimes it lets me know like a tsunami warning and other times it appears without warning. 

life doesnt get easier with grief you just go through the seven stages like dominos in a washing machine every time over and over again.