the raw truth

 Living Life is a privelige they say, Being neurodiverse is an every minute adpation of watching people who are Neurotypical and copying them. "Masking" is a daily task and adapting to daily life is just a given. 

neurotypical = someone not diagnosed who has execitive function who has a functioning pre frontal cortex . oh to dream

Neurodivergent = someone who is diagnosed with a neurodevelopmental condition basically someone who has execitive disfunction whose pre frontal cortex is not functioning. 

Life for me is like living in a fishbowl i can hear everyone i am seen from every angle like cameras are everywhere but nobody is about to tell me ive been punked, just to tell me that i am doing something wrong. Laughing even though you got no idea why because a neurotypical laughs. being an outsider, living ten steps behind everyone your age, loving animals because an animal never judges you. Top it of with Grief and dude I have never felt so lost in my life than ever. When everyday life can be over stimulating to the point that it feels ike the battery is working over time and Burn out is 21 years strong. Trying to be Empathetic is something you believe you are. All while looking like a normal individual so the judgement you get is why you dont look someone in the eye because its Uncomfortable, trying to work against being distraction and procratination is happening every second.

Every day rollercoaster, the human cost of a condition like this is not for the weak, being overstimulated, my brain is like having 2000 plus receptionists all getting a call at the same time and every second having a new deadline that must be done urgently. I am on medication I have as many therapists as i can afford and i stil struggle. 

lets take overstimulation - being hyper aware of the intchy tags its like sandpaper on your skin, every little sound is to high volume, the supermarket lights feel like laser beams automatically on high. Crowds are a no no because being packed like sardines is a HUGE NO THANKS next ... long queues are anxiety triggers. its the silent fights you fight with yourself that nobody sees internally that make it difficult for other people to understand. when the brain is finally quiet (which is rare) you are like am i doing something wrong? having infinite questions in your head what am i having for dinner? what will my life look like next week? is my routine going to change? am I safe here? 

Routine .... lets talk about my routine and my love for it its like someone gave you a comfty blanket, i have a ridgid routine structure because its needed and predicitable because I need it. the last few months my routine has significantly changed. and again i have had to adapt to something new for a neurotypical its easy for me its difficult - my comfty blanket has been in the washing machine and instead of it drying it keeps staying in the washing machine yes i will eventually get used to it but it takes time to get used to that and once its back with me its not the same smells different,feels different. this year I hit a goal which i set for myself last year, I moved out of home into my partners apartment this means my routines have significantly changed. 

Before moving out my routine was i used to live by the beach with my Parents until my mum past last year. For 29 years I lived with my Parents, 1 year i moved to Melbourne Australia to develop my education more but then decided to come home, Life needed me back in Sydney and i needed my comforts back. 

for years since I was old enough to recognise i was different I have felt like an outsider, different to my family, different to my friends different to society. My family are mostly extroverted I am introverted I like my space i take time to warm up to new people, people think that i am prodomintly serious at first until I know them for long enough that i am not serious. 

life is black white with a dot of gray, social justice is either black or white you either have it or you don't, having a job you either have one or you dont. gray is the humor you learn overtime.